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I've been struggling with social media lately. I don't really know where to do it anymore. Facebook is the most obvious option, because it's what everyone else is using, but I find it almost unusable. It's just a mess. There's no sense to order in which things are displayed. Some things end up buried. The ads are out of control. I also really hate how it tries to force you to watch people interacting with their own friends and family, which I couldn't care less about.

I've been trying to make twitter work for me, but I find that more often than not, it stresses me out. Everything moves too quickly and the tone of it isn't comfortable. I want to feel like I'm sitting down having a conversation. Twitter feels more like everyone is at a party talking at once and you're trying to scream to be heard. Plus, while I'm trying to be more socially aware and cognizant of my place in the world, I find the constant discussion about privilege and oppression and marginalization and all the stuff that goes along with that exhausting. I think it's an important conversation to have, and I'm happy to have it, but maybe not all day every day.

So Twitter is kind of out for me.

I use instagram and it's fine for what it is, but it's not blogging. It's not expressive beyond photographs really. I like it, but it not doing what I need it to do.

I gave Ello a shot, but it turned out to be a massive pile of fail.

I don't understand Snapchat. Sandra plays with it, but I don't think she's socializing at all. Just making her own selfies puke rainbows or whatever.

Sandra also follows a lot of people on youtube, and I've considered vlogging, but I don't think I've got the confidence or an interesting enough life to pull that one off. I'm still thinking about it.

I'm a writer though, and I'd much rather have a text based social media.

I checked out Medium.com and it's interesting but really only works if you're trying to write articles and think pieces, which I don't do much of anymore. I've been out of this kind of writing for long enough that I think I've lost the feel for it.

Feeling a little lost and displaced. So I end up back here, as usual. Part of me thinks that if it's good enough for George RR Martin, then it should be good enough for me. But then again, civil war caps, suspenders and writing on a computer with no internet or spell check are good enough for GRRM and even I'm not willing to go that route. So perhaps he's not the best yardstick for functionality.

So here I am. What's been going on with me?

I went through a good couple of years writing books and trying to sell them but I made pretty much no money. I'm still trying, but only barely. I've been drawing and doing some digital painting and I've made a bit of money with that, but nothing worth getting excited about.

Sandra was in a car accident seven years ago and we've been wrapped up in lawsuit that should hopefully be resolved any day now. Sandra was banged up pretty bad but is getting by. The accident changed our lived significantly.

I've come to recognize a few things as I've gotten older. The first is that I'm probably not ever going to live in California full time again. I don't have a home base there and Sandra's career is here. Unless I somehow get a million dollar career, I'm going to be living here.
I'm also not going to be a filmmaker. I have the desire for it, but not the temperament. I've far too anxious and I'm terrible at leading people. I'm scatterbrained and can't focus enough to get the work done. I see that now. Instead I focus on art projects that I can accomplish on my own, like writing and art.
I quit smoking after the accident and haven't had a cigarette in seven years.

Getting older, getting fatter, slowing down. That's pretty much my life. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a year or so now and I think that's making a difference. On different meds. Still dealing with bouts of suicidal thoughts, and I have the odd breakdown, but it's not like it was.

I don't know what this was supposed to be, but I needed to write somewhere. I miss the way Livejournal used to be. Nothing has come along that creates that same feeling of people expressing themselves together for me. I liked it a lot.

I have dreams where I go to some old house that I used to live in and discover that a lot of my stuff is still there, packed up in boxes in the attic or whatever. Toys from my childhood, books, clothes, random shit. The dream is usually spent browsing through the old stuff and remembering, or trying to figure out how to take it all with me and realizing I can't. Sometimes in the dreams I work on trying to fix the house up so I can reclaim that old dead part of myself.

This kind of feels like that. I know this isn't a solution, but it's what's familiar and I miss it.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
6dark6lotus6
Aug. 16th, 2016 11:41 pm (UTC)
I can appreciate what you're going through as far as social media goes. A few weeks back, I spent quite a few hours reading back my horribly scatterbrained, teenage rantings and couldn't believe how tight-knit the community felt when I reached my comment sections. I could write an entry about nothing in particular and still have everyone drop in for the sake of conversation. With Facebook, Twitter and all of the rest, I don't really think its possible to form that sort of bond with folks the way we used to on LiveJournal. For example, I have Facebook friends that I couldn't even begin to tell you where or why they were added. You? I was one of the lucky folks to receive a hilarious response from the legendary Billiam in one of the communities I followed at the time. After you retired the character, I followed you here.

Social media, as a whole, just doesn't function that way anymore. Its a shame, too. We have the world at our fingertips and we choose to communicate through memes or not at all.

That being said, it is good to see you back, Sir.
thewalkingman
Aug. 17th, 2016 07:16 am (UTC)
I feel like everything is just people reacting to advertisements now. I know that sounds like a pissy, pretentious thing to say, but I think it's true. Facebook and Twitter are almost entirely people either approving of or being outraged by advertisement packaged as news, or packaged as entertainment, or celebrity gossip. It's like all of the internet is Oh No They Didn't or Perez Hilton or something now.

I realized that I don't really write about culture anymore because everyone is writing about culture now, constantly. That's all anyone is doing anymore it seems like. Being outraged that they're remaking this or that this game has this problem or that this movie has lady ghostbusters. Nobody enjoys anything passively anymore. Nobody just sees an advertisement for something and says "I'd like to see that" and then goes to see it and either enjoys it or not. Everyone has to pick apart every single detail before it even comes out.

What prompted this whole thing was that they released a preview image of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in the new IT movie currently in production, and everyone and their grandma had something to say about it. It's too scary, it's not scary enough, it looks too much like Tim Curry, it doesn't look enough like Tim Curry. I just wanted to grab them all by the neck and scream "WHO FUCKING CARES?!" Either the movie is going to be good, or it isn't. Pennywise will either be scary, or he won't. It'll all be in the performance anyway. This is one photograph. WHY DOES EVERYONE NEED TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT IT? Just wait for the movie and watch it if you want to.

And I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else. I bitch about stupid, meaningless pop culture stuff all the time. But I want to stop. I want to step out of that tornado of advertisement. That's why I deactivated Facebook. They've got people so wound up that now we're OUTRAGED that a movie isn't what we want it to be. Or we're upset because Taylor Swift and Kanye West have beef or we're losing our minds because Beyonce farted and it went triple platinum.

I have to get out of it. I just don't know where to go.
ehowton
Aug. 17th, 2016 01:07 am (UTC)
I miss the community of blogging. Facebook doesn't even come close. I don't know what the answer is. Nice to hear from you.
thewalkingman
Aug. 17th, 2016 07:17 am (UTC)
I know that people still blog, but I don't know where or how really. It seems like youtube is where the real community is happening.
verucagonff
Aug. 17th, 2016 05:39 pm (UTC)
It seems that I have various identities based on each social media platform. I'm very cautious on Facebook due to the presence of family and the nature of the flame wars that occur there. I rarely visit FB as a reader. I'm a bit more free on Twitter and use it to quick-reference and consume a lot of news or activism links. Then there is Tumblr, where I am pretty open and mostly consume things that amuse or appeal to me. I did try various imaging video services (Instagram, Snapchat, Periscope), but I haven't taken the time to figure out what they're all about (if anything), so they all just seem silly and strange to me.

In the end, I'm not even sure what all of this is for. But I still do it. In some ways, it is an attempt to fill the LJ hole, but then I could write here any time I want. I simply don't take the time.
thewalkingman
Aug. 18th, 2016 03:29 pm (UTC)
I can't really compartmentalize myself like that, which has been a problem for me my entire life. I just am who I am and it gets me in trouble.

Twitter is great for activism and social justice and such, but it's hard to find a functional balance without burning myself out. When Ferguson was happening I was glued to Twitter for three days, but ever since then I've had trouble finding the right level of detachment and engagement.

It's hard to get motivated to write on LJ when there's like, five people here. I might give it a try just because it's comfortable though. We'll see.
verucagonff
Aug. 20th, 2016 03:00 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm glad to have you back.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )