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R2-D2soon



NO
I refuse to accept this.

Aug. 18th, 2016

For the last couple of months I've woken up every morning at 7am and can't get back to sleep for some reason. Regardless fo what time I go to sleep.
I realized the other day it's likely because where I sleep, the sun comes up and shines through the window right onto me. It's a small window and doesn't have a shade or blinds or anything, so today I thumbtacked a towel over it. Hopefully tomorrow I'll sleep in. That would be great.

A couple of days into not having facebook and not using twitter and I'm finding that I only occasionally miss it. And it's not even that I miss it really but that I find myself drifting in that direction when I'm bored. So instead I play video games or I draw. I've been drawing a lot lately. Digital painting in photoshop specifically.

This is what I'm currently working on:


I surprised myself with the background. I'd never attempted anything like that and I think it came out really good. I need to straighten out that horizon a bit but otherwise I'm happy with it. The figure (Caprica 6 from Battlestar Galactica) I'm still working on, obviously.

Ugh that horizon is bugging me. I'm going to fix it now. Brb.


There. That's better.

I hate LJ's text box btw. There's no scroll bar thing and my scroll wheel doesn't work inside of it. Is anyone still developing LJ and adding features and stuff or is it pretty much the same as it was five years ago? The "identify music" button doesn't work on the web interface. I wonder if it's still linked to Winamp, which doesn't exist anymore.

I'd like to rename my journal to joehumphrey but if Livejournal thinks I'm going to give them fifteen dollars to do it, they can meet me in hell.

Been on a Bruce Springsteen kick lately. Mostly and almost exclusively the Born to Run album. I go through phases sometimes where I'll listen to the same album over and over and over again until I know it front to back. Sucks for other people riding in the car with me, but oh well. You can do worse than Bruce.

An old childhood friend of mine reached out to me on facebook a couple of months ago and has been messaging me off and on trying to get me to catch up. I've been avoiding him though. We were really good friends when we were 9-13 or so but I moved and that was the end of it. I don't have especially good feelings about my childhood and I find revisiting it troubling sometimes. I also don't want to be rude either, but that's what i'm doing. I just haven't been responding. He messaged my mom (who, you know, he knew when I was a kid since she was there too) and she said that I should really message him and I say hi.

It's weird writing here again. I forgot how much I unloaded and vented here. I believe that training myself to write in 140 characters for Twitter was good for me in that it forced my to edit myself down and figure out ways to write economically, but I also think it changed the way I think in a way that perhaps wasn't great. Also, Twitter isn't a journal, and writing in a journal doesn't have to be economic. I think there's theraputic value to just puking all the garbage in my head onto my keyboard and getting it out. I've missed that. Now, whether or not anyone wants to read that is another story entirely. People have trained themselves to take information in 140 characters and headlines as well.

Doesn't matter I guess. This isn't for other people.

I just realized I forgot to put the lightning back onto the background in the second screenshot. Oh well. Maybe it's better that way. 

hi

I've been struggling with social media lately. I don't really know where to do it anymore. Facebook is the most obvious option, because it's what everyone else is using, but I find it almost unusable. It's just a mess. There's no sense to order in which things are displayed. Some things end up buried. The ads are out of control. I also really hate how it tries to force you to watch people interacting with their own friends and family, which I couldn't care less about.

I've been trying to make twitter work for me, but I find that more often than not, it stresses me out. Everything moves too quickly and the tone of it isn't comfortable. I want to feel like I'm sitting down having a conversation. Twitter feels more like everyone is at a party talking at once and you're trying to scream to be heard. Plus, while I'm trying to be more socially aware and cognizant of my place in the world, I find the constant discussion about privilege and oppression and marginalization and all the stuff that goes along with that exhausting. I think it's an important conversation to have, and I'm happy to have it, but maybe not all day every day.

So Twitter is kind of out for me.

I use instagram and it's fine for what it is, but it's not blogging. It's not expressive beyond photographs really. I like it, but it not doing what I need it to do.

I gave Ello a shot, but it turned out to be a massive pile of fail.

I don't understand Snapchat. Sandra plays with it, but I don't think she's socializing at all. Just making her own selfies puke rainbows or whatever.

Sandra also follows a lot of people on youtube, and I've considered vlogging, but I don't think I've got the confidence or an interesting enough life to pull that one off. I'm still thinking about it.

I'm a writer though, and I'd much rather have a text based social media.

I checked out Medium.com and it's interesting but really only works if you're trying to write articles and think pieces, which I don't do much of anymore. I've been out of this kind of writing for long enough that I think I've lost the feel for it.

Feeling a little lost and displaced. So I end up back here, as usual. Part of me thinks that if it's good enough for George RR Martin, then it should be good enough for me. But then again, civil war caps, suspenders and writing on a computer with no internet or spell check are good enough for GRRM and even I'm not willing to go that route. So perhaps he's not the best yardstick for functionality.

So here I am. What's been going on with me?

I went through a good couple of years writing books and trying to sell them but I made pretty much no money. I'm still trying, but only barely. I've been drawing and doing some digital painting and I've made a bit of money with that, but nothing worth getting excited about.

Sandra was in a car accident seven years ago and we've been wrapped up in lawsuit that should hopefully be resolved any day now. Sandra was banged up pretty bad but is getting by. The accident changed our lived significantly.

I've come to recognize a few things as I've gotten older. The first is that I'm probably not ever going to live in California full time again. I don't have a home base there and Sandra's career is here. Unless I somehow get a million dollar career, I'm going to be living here.
I'm also not going to be a filmmaker. I have the desire for it, but not the temperament. I've far too anxious and I'm terrible at leading people. I'm scatterbrained and can't focus enough to get the work done. I see that now. Instead I focus on art projects that I can accomplish on my own, like writing and art.
I quit smoking after the accident and haven't had a cigarette in seven years.

Getting older, getting fatter, slowing down. That's pretty much my life. I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a year or so now and I think that's making a difference. On different meds. Still dealing with bouts of suicidal thoughts, and I have the odd breakdown, but it's not like it was.

I don't know what this was supposed to be, but I needed to write somewhere. I miss the way Livejournal used to be. Nothing has come along that creates that same feeling of people expressing themselves together for me. I liked it a lot.

I have dreams where I go to some old house that I used to live in and discover that a lot of my stuff is still there, packed up in boxes in the attic or whatever. Toys from my childhood, books, clothes, random shit. The dream is usually spent browsing through the old stuff and remembering, or trying to figure out how to take it all with me and realizing I can't. Sometimes in the dreams I work on trying to fix the house up so I can reclaim that old dead part of myself.

This kind of feels like that. I know this isn't a solution, but it's what's familiar and I miss it.